Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark
Director: Troy Nixey
Writers: Guillermo del Toro and Matthew Robbins
Runtime: 1:39
Rating: 14A (frightening scenes, violence)

I don’t usually review movies on my book review blog, but since seeing the advance screening of Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark that I saw for free, courtesy of my friend Samantha, I’ve decided to start reviewing selected films from time to time.

Usually, I go with my gut on how horror movies look, and much of American horror doesn’t scare me so much as it provides endless fodder for comedy because it’s so poorly done. I had high hopes and expectations because of the involvement of Guillermo del Toro, one of my favourite filmmakers of all time (Pan’s Labyrinth is a cinematical and storytelling masterpiece, and although the Hellboy films aren’t exactly Academy Award-winning fare, they’re still highly entertaining). This guy knows his horror inside out, and he’s a true fan, which is why I think I was so disappointed–because I know he can do way better.

To summarize my experience watching this film, I haven’t laughed this hard since Evil Dead. Although ED is a classic in the cannon of horror cinema, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is funny for other reasons. Most critics who didn’t like the film have at least been nice about it, identifying the fact that when something is based on a film from the early 70s and when one considers that it was something that Del Toro found scary as a child, it’s not surprising that the tropes and themes of this film are well-worn, predictable, and just so funny because the audience knows exactly what’s going to happen next. It’s basically a haunted house film mixed with a bit of a creature feature and any discerning horror fan will be able to predict what happens without breaking a sweat.

For those shocked by the opening scenes, which involve a nineteenth century maid descending into the basement of her master, Lord Blackwood, and getting a rather nasty dental adjustment, there was a short story I reviewed from an anthology that dealt with a really neat twist on the Tooth Fairy. The scene from DBAOTD felt like shock value. The story continues to the modern day and brings us to a photographer, Alex (Guy Pearce) and his girlfriend, Kim (Katie Holmes) who have moved into Blackwood Manor with his daughter, Sally (Bailee Madison), a bitter, heavily medicated emo kid.

She’s depressed, lonely, hates the place, wants her mommy, etc, and soon enough, she starts hearing voices. Like we haven’t seen that a million times before. This just made the audience crack up because the voices were like a bad impression of Gollum from Lord of the Rings gone wrong.

Of course there’s the stock character of the old man, Harris, who has been around the house his whole life who warns them not to go into the basement, yet does nothing to try to stop them when they smash it open with an axe. Soon enough, Sally discovers that the little monsters in this tale are actually homunculi, which just look like mini Gollums with sharp teeth. Definitely not scary, but definitely funny. And surprise, surprise, they’re afraid of “the light.” No one believes Sally, despite the fact that only she can see them. The mini Gollums eventually stage several attacks on the little girl with the presumed goal of turning her into their new leader (at least according to an all-knowing and rather conveniently placed librarian who just happens to have a fascination with Blackwood and knows everything about him). Also, who pays the servant of the house, Mrs. Underhill, and why is she there? It felt like her only purpose was to shriek and say “Oh dear! I had no idea this poor child was locked in the bathroom and that there were monsters trying to eat her!”

Kim eventually finds a hidden mural in the basement that depicts Blackwood’s disappeared son being held by vine-like ropes that drag him into the basement as he’s about to be eaten by the mini Gollums. This was the one thing that I thought wasn’t incredibly hilarious. Ordinarily, such a gruesome depiction would make any viewer feel sorry for the character, especially because it’s a child (why, why do the monsters only want to eat kids? *sigh*), but the ridiculousness of the plot removes any possibility of sympathy. And since when did the mini Gollums get smart enough to figure out how to cut the electricity in the house?

Plot holes aside, the ending, though predictable, was so hilarious, and just when you think it can’t get any worse, it does. Katie Holmes genuinely does convince the audience that she seems to care about little Sally, and is the only one who believes her. Holmes’ appearance is, I hate to say it and never though I would, better than Guy Pearce’s. I know, I know, blasphemy, sacrilege, blah blah blah. Look, I’m not saying Holmes is a good actress. She’s not the worst I’ve seen, but she’s not especially praiseworthy either. Here, she outshines Pearce because he’s largely underused and bland in this film, but to be fair, the role could have been written a bit, oh I don’t know, better?

If you want a really good laugh at a horror movie so bad it’s good, definitely go and see Don’t Be Afraid of The Dark. But if you’d rather not sully your image of Guillermo del Toro and how much of a brilliant filmmaker he truly is, then you might want to skip this one, because it’ll really make you cringe.

Rating: 1 out of 4 stars, with a high comedy factor!